Harry Potter and the Method of Double Tap
by anorc
Summary: HP AU Crack History Diverges after Prisoner of Azkaban What if Harry and Cedric did just a little better at the graveyard scene. Not a zombieland crossover. Trigger warning gun violence, students with guns. Not advocating that at all. Just Crack Crack.


**Harry Potter and the Method of Double-tap**

**[AN This is Crack, and not a zombieland crossover.]**

This story takes place after Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, and diverges into an alternate timeline during Goblet of fire.

Thanks to JK Rowling and her publishers etc.. for allowing fanfic. Isn't it fun!

**Hogwarts, Late 1993**

Harry finished his letter. It was a bleat to a parental figure, and he'd never written one before. Maybe it was stupid, but he just had to let it out.

_'_

_Dear Sirius,_

_I'm fine. I hope your new friend is fine too._

_I'd like to complain to someone,_

_My aunt and uncle are awful. I hate going back to stay with them over summer._

_I can't do anything interesting and my spoilt cousin bullies me._

_Can you please help me somehow._

_I know it's not safe to visit._

_Your Godson_

_Harry Potter._

_'_

He gave the letter to a school owl and was promptly attacked by Hedgwig.

"Look I'm sorry, I know you're a better owl OH! And I know OW That Really Hurt Hedgwig!" cried Harry.

"I just"... "OH, come on girl OW OW Let it go! My hand, you snotty bird!" Harry cried.

Harry wrapped his hand in his handkerchief and went back to his dorm. 'Might be time to investigate some sort of owl-pacifying charm' thought Harry.

-==0==-

At breakfast, Harry hand-fed Hedgwig bacon until Ron complained. Hedgwig rotated her head and to stare at Ron gave a bark that sounded to Harry like she'd just said "My Bacon".

The next day, at breakfast, an Owl dropped off a bulgy letter.

'Harry Potter. Not to be opened but in private'

Harry pocketed the packet.

After class Harry was 'dropping his books off' and he pulled the curtains on his bed and opened the packet. There was a huge bundle of English paper money, and an envelope of galleons.

'

_Dear Harry,_

_I'm angry about this too, but the safest thing I can do is_

_give you some spending money. Get out of the house and have some fun._

_This is for you to spend over summer, so don't save those galleons for a rainy day._

_We've got plenty more where that came from._

_I would suggest going to the cinema. I like movies, though I can't take you to the kind I like to watch. Maybe when you're older._

_Padfoot_

_'_

**-****==0=-**

**Surrey, Summer.**

Harry took off from number four Privet drive and after going to the park, continued on into the centre of Little Whinging. The bus took him to Guildford, and he went to the Odeon cinema.

Inside, he found not just more sweets that the trolley witch could ever dream of serving, but also arcade games, beeping and flashing cool pictures on their TV screens.

His eyes were drawn to the newest game, a hulking console with two plastic guns, one pink, one blue. The game was all about fighting baddies and Harry watched, gobsmacked as an older boy fed the machine pound coins, and proceed to use both guns to play the game.

After finishing off a Harry-year worth of baddies, the game ended abruptly in a quick electronic death for the players' two electronic policemen.

The boy saw Harry hovering.

"Want a go?" he asked.

"Er yeah" said Harry, clutching a coin.

"I'll play along with you, show you how it works"

"So you don't have to use both" asked Harry.

"No. that's me being stupid. Much easier to fight as a team" laughed the boy.

"Terrence"

"Harry"

Terrance helped Harry through one game. It was a lot like being in a wand fight.

With Harry's help, Terrance lasted much longer in the game.

"Is your film soon?" asked Terrance.

"I' uh haven't bought a ticket yet"

"You wanna play another round?" asked Terrance.

"Do I ever" said Harry.

…

"Shoot the baddies twice, it's more likely to work. It's called a double tap" said Terrance.

**-****==0==-**

**Number 4 Privet Drive, the smallest bedroom.**

Harry looked at his latest letter. God he felt stupid writing it.

_'_

_Dear Sirius,_

_I can't really fight off you-know-who's goons very well._

_Could you get me a gun to shoot them with?_

_I figure as a wanted criminal you'd know all about that sort of thing._

_Harry_

_'_

**-****==0==-**

**Hogwarts, 1994, ****the maze of the Triwizard cup**

Harry and Cedric seized the Tri-Wizard cup, and a hideous hooking sensation behind Harry's navel pulled at him. 'Oh no' thought Harry. 'I'm gonna vomit'

Harry and Cedric landed in a dark place with trees and blockey shapes. After Harry adjusted his glasses, he saw the shapes were gravestones.

"Cedric, I think this is a trap. Get into cover" said Harry, hiding behind a gravestone.

In the distance a robed figure approached.

A high pitched voice said "Where are they?"

"They can't have gone far master" said the man, who sounded like Peter Pettigrew to Harry.

Harry reached into his robes, glad he was prepared, this once.

As Pettigrew got closer, Harry's scar hurt more and more. 'Figures. The rat's carrying Voldemort somehow'

When Pettigrew was close enough, Harry leaned out from behind the gravestone and pulled the trigger twice. "Crack Crack" went the gun, and Pettigrew fell down.

"Wormtail, get up you oaf" yelled the muffled high pitched voice.

"Nagini, come" yelled the voice, Still muffled.

"There's a snake coming, a big one" cried Harry, losing control over his body from the pain in his head.

Harry woke up, looking up at the night sky. A worried Cedric Diggory was leaning over him.

"Harry, what the hell happened. You weren't hit by a spell, were you?"

"Scar, Voldemort, migraine" said Harry, doing the best he could.

"That snake was huge!" said Cedric.

"Are we ..."

"I got it with a bombarda maxima" said Cedric proudly. "There was a weird black cloud and a scream."

"Sounds good" said Harry, his head throbbing.

"Harry, you've got a gun!"

"Yeah, just in case" said Harry.

"They're illegal!"

"Sirius got it for me" babbled Harry.

"The creepy baby thing was yelling at me so I stunned it. It's so evil looking" said Cedric.

"Stun it again please" groaned Harry.

"Okay" said Cedric, and cast stupefy twice on the blanket wrapped bundle.

Harry's headache eased.

"Oh that's better." said Harry sitting up.

"Why does that weird baby thing give you migraines"

"That's Voldemort. Well, as he is now. And don't kill him, he'll ghost away"

"How do you know that?"

"Did this in first year" said Harry, standing, wincing on his sore leg, and concealing his glock in his robes.

"You shot that man"

"Peter Pettigrew. He betrayed my parents to Voldemort, framed my godfather. Generally ruined my life"

"But he should have a fair trial" said Cedric.

"Sirius Black never got one. Peter turning up freshly dead should do fine" said Harry bitterly.

"How did Sirius Black get a gun?"

"He took a plane to the USA and bought one at a gun show and flew back"

"Wouldn't the gun show up on probity probes or something?" asked Cedric.

"It's got no metal in it so it doesn't set metal detectors off."

"But why?" asked Cedric.

"Apparently the firearm suppressing charms don't work on it. It works everywhere" said Harry, so very glad.

"Bloody Hell!" said Cedric, clearly very disturbed by this.

Cedric calmed down eventually.

"Harry, What will we do about he-who-should-not-be-named?"

"Cedric, can you make the draught of the living death?"

"Well, it's difficult, but yes, I've done it in class"

"Then we're going back up the path Peter came down, because I happen to know there's a potions lab up there."

"How can you know that?"

"Cedric, I don't just get migraines, I see through his eyes sometimes. If he's very happy or very angry."

"That sounds… very strange"

"Well, magic, yeah. But lets go look shall we."

Cedric took four hours to brew the potion. They tested it on a accio'd rat and it worked.

"Here goes" said Harry, and using one of the baby bottles they found in the potions lab, fed the unconscious Voldemort the potion. His little body stilled immediately, and Harry sighed. "Oh that's better than stunning him."

"Harry, he's sort of defeated, only wiggenweld potion can wake him now"

"Yeah, tell me Cedric, you're pretty good at transfiguration, aren't you?"

"Harry, no, that'ts... hang on, that's brilliant"

"Maybe we transfigure him into a pebble" said Harry.

"A pebble."

"Hard wearing, and then we drop him down a well"

"A well?"

"There should be a well somewhere near this manor house" said Harry "Old places have wells, right?"

"But, he needs to face trial!" said Cedric.

"He'd just escape. We've vanquished him, and once he can't be injured, well, he can't ghost out to another body."

"How does he do that?" asked Cedric

"I dunno, but I'm betting it's pretty evil magic."

"How so?"

"Well, otherwise all wizards would be immortal, right?" reasoned Harry.

"Harry, you're really smart for a fourth year"

"I've had three years to worry about that magic. I think the Headmaster knows how it works."

"We should get the headmaster to help!" said Cedric.

"Cedric, one thing I've learned, is that doing things yourself, and not getting adults involved works. Last year, there were adults involved in a plan, and they ruined it."

"Okay Harry, I'll turn you-know-who into you-know-what"

Cedric really was good at transfiguration. Voldemort was just was a pebble now.

"Now cast about a dozen stunners, just anywhere"

"What?"

"So if they check your wand, it's not there"

"Where did you learn that?"

"Sirius Black, escaped convict, ex Hit Wizard."

"Harry, about that gun!"

"Cedric, I'm a kid. My stupefy is pretty good, but if I get attacked by an adult… which happens about every six months, I need to be able to fight back."

"Shooting people, though.."

"No worse than a powerful cutting curse, says Sirius"

"He's a bad influence on you"

"Pettigrew would have killed us, Cedric, We'd both be dead."

"Er, yeah. Okay."

They didn't find a well, but did find a cistern in the ground. "In you go" said Harry, banishing his foe by dropping a pebble. "Plop." went the water in the cistern.

"What now?" asked Cedric.

"We should go get Pettigrew, and the cup and clean up the crime scene, I mean graveyard" said Harry.

"Harry, when this is over, you need to have a long hard think about your life choices" said the Hufflepuff, severely.

"I promise, when this is over, I'll have a very long hard think about my life choices." said Harry, thinking about getting Sirius freed and escaping Britain to somewhere nice, like Ibiza.

"And you're not just saying that?" asked Cedric, hands on hips.

"I promise" said Harry. 'And I really mean that. I've only survived by luck' thought Harry.

"How did you even learn to shoot a gun?" asked Cedric; almost tapping one foot.

"Well, in the muggle world, there are picture theatres. And they have an arcade of games you can play. And the coolest game out is called Lethal enforcers. It's got guns just like this."

"Oh. There's not a picture theatre in Ottery St Catchpole." said Cedric.

"Well, Surrey's not Devon." said Harry "And the Odeon in Guildford is great."

"Harry, you're weird" said Cedric.

"It's mostly Sirius's influence, really" said Harry, figuring why not blame Sirius.

"uhuh." said Cedric; who wasn't very gullible, Harry thought.

Harry used the Lumos spell to find something that his gun left behind "casings, can't leave them lying around, muggle police would get upset"

Cedric turned Peter into a tiny toy rat at Harry's request "He's easier to carry this way"

Then they both went and looked at the tri-wizard cup

"Do you think it's still a portkey?" asked Harry.

"Only one way to find out"

They disappeared in a swirl of nausea-inducing colours, spun through the air for a minute and landed in a heap.

They had reappeared in front of the judges table, hours late, dirty.

A tear-stained Hermione, Ron and Cho stood up "Harry" cried Hermione

"Ced!" cried Cho.

Harry got a hug, which was nice. And a pat on the back from Ron.

Cedric's girlfriend, Harry noted, wrapped herself around Cedric and kissed him and.. gee that must be snogging. Cedric seemed happy with it. The way one of her legs wrapped around him looked… very physical.

Harry's scared little heart felt sad. No snogs for him.

"What ever happened?" asked Hermione.

"There was a portkey malfunction. We went to the wrong place, took us ages to get back to the cup" said Harry, using the lying skills the Durselys had taught him the hard way.

"Harry, we have to go tell Dumbledore, everyone's been looking for you two" said Hermione.

"Cedrick"

"Yeah Harry?" said Cedric

"Lets not do this ever again" said Harry.

"Let's not" said Cedric, and snogged his girlfriend some more.

Harry and the gang, followed belatedly by Cedric and Cho, who seemed intent on going somewhere else.

"They're going for a broom cupboard, I reckon" said Ron.

"Ron!" said Hermione "That's gross."

"Hermione, he's right. And Cedric deserves it. He did all the … hard magic to get us home to Hogwarts" said Harry.

Hermione frowned. She really had the eyebrows for it.

Harry had just reached the front hallway of the castle, when Professor Moody lurched away from the wall, where he'd been leaning "Potter, come with me" he said.

"See you back at the dorm, Harry" said Hermione and Ron.

Harry followed the Defence Professor.

"Where are we going?"

"My office, we need to discuss what happened with the cup"

"Shouldn't we go see the Headmaster?" asked Harry.

"It's very late, we'll discuss it tonight, then tomorrow the Headmaster."

Harry felt pangs of unease, as he knew from experience that the headmaster was awake late into the night. You could see him pacing in his office on the marauders map very late at night.

Harry followed the Professor into his office and sat down in front of the desk.

The Professor sat heavily in the desk, took a sip from his flask, and said "Hand over your wand, Potter"

"My w.. wand" said Harry.

"I'm going to see what spells you cast. Standard Auror procedure, nothing to worry about"

Harry took his wand out of his pocket with his left hand, moving his right into his robes pocket.

He handed his wand over with his left hand, holding the wand in only two fingers.

"Excellent Potter, using your left hand, not holding the wand. That's how you disarm someone" said the Professor and suddenly, the Professor's wand was facing Harry. "A little too trusting, but you'll never make that mistake again. We'll start with the cruciatis curse, I think" the Professor laughed insanely.

Harry pulled the trigger twice "Crack Crack" and the Professor looked at his chest, where two large red spots formed on his robes. "Charms should have stopped that" he said, his human eye rolled up, and he fell face down onto the desk.

"Crap" said Harry and he quickly picked up his wand, and gingerly pocketed the two hot casings.

There was a banging sound from a large metal trunk in the corner of the room.

Harry walked over and looked at it, wand drawn. It rocked on the spot. As if someone or something was trying to get out of it. Harry readied his wand, and cast Alohomora on the trunk.

The lock opened and the lip raised. Harry braced for a boggart.

Instead he heard someone that sounded like the Professor he'd just shot cry "Help me please!"

Harry looked into the trunk. Down twenty feet was another Mad-Eye Moody, in a trunk-sized prison cell, with no wooden leg or mad eye.

"Professor Moody?" asked Harry.

"Who the hell are you?" asked the Professor.

"Harry Potter" said Harry.

"I've been trapped in this fooking trunk for nine months. Where's the bastard using my hair in Polyjuice?"

Harry looked over at the dead man.

"I think I've just killed him" said Harry.

"Good work, stun him to be sure, then find a rope" said Mad-Eye

"How about your wand" asked Harry

"Well, that would be ideal" said the prisoner.

Harry stunned the corpse, just to be sure, and dropped Mad-Eye's wand down the hole.

He was tempted to pocket the flask of Mad-Eye moody polyjuice, but instead, looking the desk drawer and found a large flask of muddy brown potion. Unused polyjuice. He pocketed that instead.

Moments later, the voice said "Can you find my fooking leg?"

Harry pulled the leg off the dead moody, which was a long, awful job involving straps that went places Harry never wanted to look, and dropped it carefully down.

"Better." said Moody and shakily cast a spell upwards, to be pulled out of the trunk, and land on the floor, with a wobble.

Harry grabbed the unstable professor's arm.

"Well, I need medical help, but he looks worse than me." said Mad-Eye.

"Are you okay?" asked Harry.

"I've used an Auror combat medicine spell, I'll be okay for five, maybe ten minutes, then I'm going to collapse."

"Cool" said Harry.

Moody tore the mad eye off the impostor and and put it on.

"That's a funny gun in your pocket, Potter." said Moody thoughtfully.

"Saved my life twice today" replied Harry.

"Tell me, do you want to be adopted?" said the Professor abruptly.

"I'm hoping my godfather, Sirius Black will be cleared. He never got a trial" said Harry.

"Oh really" said the real Professor Moody. "Well, I've got some friends in the DMLE. still, I'll do what I can"

"I think a lawyer will come forward with new evidence really soon" said Harry.

"If it doesn't work out, owl me and I'll adopt you" said the Professor.

"Why?" asked Harry.

"Because you saved my life, young man, and It's the least I could do. And you're always prepared" said Moody, with a scary grin.

"What about the body?" asked Harry nervously.

"Well, the gunshot wounds are a bit unwanted…" the Professor flopped false Moody onto the floor and transfigured the body to not have bullet holes.

"Normally in the Aurors we do this the other way around, to make magical deaths look muggle" said the Professor.

Harry nodded. 'This was turning into a very educational day.' thought Harry.

* * *

_'Dear Sirius,_

_Thanks so much for the present._

_It has literally saved my life._

_The Defence Professor was another death eater, using polyjuice. _

_His last word were "charms should have stopped that"_

_So thanks, a plastic gun with a "ceramic" firing pin, I don't know what that is,_

_but it saved my life anyway. _

_You are excused having to give me Christmas presents for the rest of my life._

_In return, we're dropping Peter Pettigrew off at the DMLE, via Hogwarts owl post. He's transfigured into a tiny toy rat._

_He's dead, but he only died yesterday, so your court case should be winnable._

_I'll mail the sack of galleons and instructions to the lawyer on a different owl._

_You loving Godson_

_Harry Potter._

_P.S. The real Mad-Eye moody wants to adopt me if you don't get cleared. No pressure._

_'_

-==0==-

Two days later there was a trial for Sirius Black at the ministry.

Courtroom Ten, was dark, and ominous, benches rising to the ceiling all around.

There were three officials on the bench, and the two lawyers.

Sirius's Layer, a Gawain Fetherstill, stood next to a large trolley.

The DMLE prosecutor, J. Meeks stood next to him, holding a slip of parchment.

Fetherstill spoke up "We submit as evidence, one Peter Pettigrew (Order of Merlin, Second Class)(Deceased). We note that the Aurors have confirmed that he died three days ago." said Gawain, pulling the cloth of the trolley; there lay Peter, dead, with a toe-tag.

"Entered" said the Clerk, and swallowed.

"We submit as evidence Peter Pettigrew's Dark Mark as evidence" said Gawain, pointing at Peters arm.

"Well, er. yes" said the clerk.

"We submit as evidence Peter Pettigrew's missing little finger as evidence" said Gawain.

"Well, er. yes" said the clerk.

"So we move to have the charges against Sirius Black dropped due to lack of evidence." said Gawain.

Amelia bones looked down on the two. "Nice try Mister Fetherstill" she said. "Meeks, what have you got?"

"We have the arrest record for Sirius Orion Black" said Meeks.

"Anything else, Meeks? Perhaps some interrogation transcripts?" asked Amelia Bones frostily.

"Er, no Madam Bones" said Meeks.

Amelia Bones stared down at Meeks "Meeks, this paints the department in a very poor light" she said.

Meeks shrugged.

"Alright, I, Amelia Bones Head of the DMLE do rescind the Kiss on sight order for Sirius Orion Black, and issue a bench warrant for the interrogation of Sirius Orion Black"

Fetherstill nodded, pulled a cupboard on the bottom of the trolley open and said "You're up".

Sirius Black wriggled out of the bottom of the trolley, and stood up in black trousers and a purple crushed velvet jacket. He bowed to the bench "I am here" said Sirius.

"Black, Sit down." said Amelia Bones crossly.

Sirius walked over to the large wooden witness chair and sat down gingerly. The chains and manacles hung, swinging gently.

"Meeks, get an Auror" said Amelia Bones.

Meeks went out through the big door and returned moments later with a tall black man.

"Shacklebolt, administer Veritassium to the suspect" said Amelia Bones.

Sirius stuck out his tongue, and three drops were poured on.

"Are you Sirius Orion Black" asked Amelia Bones, sounding totally pissed off.

"Yes" said Sirius, his eyes glazed, his head lolling.

"What is your date of birth"

"April seventeenth, nineteen fifty eight" said Sirius, and blinked.

"Did you conduct the panty raid on the Hufflepuff dorms in nineteen seventy four" asked Amelia.

"Yes" said Sirius.

"Objection, Madam Bones, not relevant to the case" said Fetherstill.

Amelia Bones glared at Gawain Fetherstill though her monocle.

"Are you, or have you ever been a follower of the Dark Lord Voldemort?"

"No" said Sirius, head lolling, drool running out of his mouth.

"Did you kill peter Pettigrew"

"No"

"Did you kill the muggles in the explosion just before you were arrested"

"No, I think that was Peter. He was bad"

"Did you betray the Potters to Lord Voldemort"

"I couldn't. I didn't know where they were, only peter. Only Peter Only Peter" Sirius was starting to drool heavily, unable to hold his head up.

"Shacklebolt, administer the antidote" said Amelia Bones. "Charges against Sirius Orion Black for the Murder of Peter Pettigrew, twelve muggles and the betrayal of the Potters to Lord Voldemort are dropped. Mister Black you are free to go."

Gawain Fetherstill looked up from his notes "Now, Madam bones, the small matter of my clients extralegal imprisonment for twelve years. I believe the standard allowance is one galleon per day, up to two weeks, and forty galleons per day after that. We would be prepared to settle for a round hundred and fifty thousand galleons." said Gawain, and smiled.

The media report on Sirius Black's trial was a sensation.

The Daily Prophet said it best "Sirius Black Innocent"

They used such large print, those were the only words on the front page.

Professor Moody had a conversation with the Headmaster, and Harry spent the first two weeks of the holidays at Moody's extremely booby-trapped house.

Moody seemed very fond of Harry, in a gruff, make you wake up at five am kind of way. It was like holidaying with an older Oliver Wood really. The pain from training every day was a lot like Oliver's quidditch obsession.

Sirius arrived to pick Harry up on an old motorbike.

"Black still riding that Norton eh?" said Mad Eye Moody.

"Just got it back from Hagrid. He's been taking good care of it" said Sirius, wearing a black leather jacket with the word "BLACK" picked out on the back in metal studs.

Harry got on the bike behind his godfather and something about the smell of the bike made him feel safe.

The way Sirius Black rode, and the way the bike flew as well, had Harry's blood pumping by not feeling very safe.

They arrived up an alleyway and rolled into a stone building that must have been a carriage and horse garage.

"We're going into the house the back way, because of the bike. Can't leave it on the street, someone might nick it" said Sirius, turning the bike off.

"But not from in here?"

"Anyone comes in the carriage house that's not a Black.. well they won't leave breathing. My family were a vicious bunch." said Sirius.

"But I'm okay?"

"You're with me, you're fine."

"So I can't sneak out this way."

"No Harry, you cannot." said Sirius smugly.

They walked down a flight of stone steps and opened a door,entering a scullery. Harry shrugged and follow Sirius as the next door led to the filthy kitchen.

"So, what really happened?" asked Sirius, sitting down at the kitchen table and motioning Harry to sit opposite.

"I shot Peter, Cedric Diggory stunned a baby Voldemort, we gave him draft of living death, then transfigured him into a pebble."

"You did what! You are grounded for life. Until you're thirty" said Sirius.

"If he dies he turns into a black ghost and goes looking for another body" said Harry, matter-of-factly.

Sirius looked very thoughtful. "Well, he can't do that ever again" said Sirius and nodded.

"I suppose not. I really have vanquished him, haven't I?"

"Alright, hand the gun back" said Sirius.

"But it's kept me safe" said Harry.

"And now, you're home, and we have magical defences." said Sirius.

"Do you think I'm safe now?"

"Well, with the dark lord defeated, his minions will just wait for him to return. The only two that knew anything are dead, and He's never getting woken up." said Sirius.

"So I'm free" said Harry, handing Sirius the gun, which he hid in a transfigured paving stone in the floor.

"No, now Harry, It's my duty to teach you how to be a lord." said Sirius, leaning back in the chair.

"A lord?"

"Well, Lord Potter, and you're my Heir too, so one day Lord Black" said Sirius.

"Can't you have a child to be your Heir" asked Harry.

"Ahem. I need a witch for that"

"So find one."

"I've been on the run for years, in prison for twelve years" said Sirius

"It's okay, you don't need a young one, an old one like you would do" said Harry.

"You little brat!" laughed Sirius.

"So what do I do?" asked Harry.

"Well, the first thing, is to betroth you to a pure-blood witch, preferably one you've never met" said Sirius, playing with his cuffs.

"What the hell?" spat Harry.

"That's what my parents and theirs did. And so on… going back ages" said Sirius.

"You're not serious?"

"I'm always Sirius" said Sirius.

"You're joking right?"

"If we were doing pure-blood nob, that's what we'd do."

"That's.. soul destroying. How do people cope?" asked Harry.

"Lots of potions, lots of booze. Lots of adultery"

"That seems a bit..."

"Self destructive?" said Sirius, and waggled his eyebrows.

"Yeah."

"Don't worry Harry, the only way anything like that would happen is if there was a dangling marriage contract lost in legal limbo, that you met the criteria for, but that would basically end your life as you know it." said Sirius, standing up and taking off his leather jacket, and hanging it on the the back of the kitchen door.

"You're joking?"

"It hardly ever happens. You've a better chance of winning the daily prophet sweepstakes."

"I know someone that won that" said Harry numbly.

Sirius waved to Harry and took him upstairs a couple of flights to a room with a large family tree on the wall

"See that tree… I've adopted you, so you're on here now"

Harry looked where Sirius was pointing and low on the wall, under a black burn mark labelled Sirius Black there was a line into a patch of dirt in which there was an oval labelled Harry Potter 1980-. A fresh painting of Harry's face, wearing a gold wizards hat was in the oval. The wall was very dirty down near the floor. The whole room was dirtier than a public toilet.

"I'm on the family tree!" said Harry "Wow, this is incredible"

"Well mother blasted the faces off people who offended her" said Sirius.

"She got offended a lot then" said Harry, looking up at the larger wall.

"Can I clean the wall up, I'm all covered in dirt"

Sirius conjured a cloth and cast a spell on the cloth. "Use this, don't rub too hard." Sirius snorted at his own remark.

Harry rubbed the dirt off the line leading to Sirius, and gave Sirius's blast mark a quick rub. It didn't help. Harry rubbed on the dirty marks around his oval and his mind froze.

"Sirius.. there's a line from my name"

"Oh good one, you got me" said Sirius laughing.

Harry rubbed frantically, clearing off the dirt, revealing a line sideways from his name, to another name, covered in dirt.

"Sirius, I'm not joking, There's a face linked to mine"

Sirius squatted down next to Harry. "Well, clean it off, we need to see who this is"

Careful rubbing took the dirt off, revealing an oval, a long haired witch and the words "Delphini Riddle."

Harry got a sinking feeling at the name Riddle. He rubbed and rubbed, exposing lines of parentage for Delphini Riddle.

"I'm dead" said Harry.

"Why?" asked Sirius, squatting down to see Harry and Delphini's paintings.

"Well, Delphini Riddle's dad is Tom Riddle, and her mum is your cousin Bellatrix"

Sirius laughed "Harry, you're perfectly safe. I dunno who Tom Riddle is, but Delphini's a bastard, and she's not eligible to marry you."

"But the tapestry" said Harry.

"Is not that smart. We find the contract, it'll be in Gringotts somewhere, and rip it up." said Sirius.

"Tom Riddle is Lord Voldemort" said Harry.

"Riddle's not a family I've ever heard of"

"They're muggles"

"Well that's two marks against Delphini. She's not a pure-blood, so she can't marry you without permission from me, and she's not getting that. Hang on,Voldemort's a half-blood?" said Sirius.

"I guess so"

Sirius laughed for five minutes. He really was a bit cracked, thought Harry.

"We're taking the press to Gringotts to rip up the contract"

"What?"

"So he gets outed as a halfblood." said Sirius "Some of his followers will just quietly never mention him again."

**-****==0==-**

**The next day, the kitchen.**

"Sirius, I've written Mad-Eye a letter, telling him about Delphini Riddle."

"Good lad. That scary old bastard can go find her" said Sirius.

"What will he do?"

"Well, lets put it like this, he was retired for excessive paranoia" said Sirius, smiling ferally.

"Is there such a thing as too much paranoia?"

"Well, maybe, but not where your enemies are concerned." said Sirius.

**-****==0==-**

**Gringotts Bank, meeting room two.**

Flash bulbs bang, flooding the room with light as Sirius tears the contract in two.

"See Harry, contract destroyed, you're a free man." said Sirius.

"Sirius, let's go home." said Harry, feeling relieved.

"Sure thing…"

**-****==0==-**

**Back at Grimmauld place.**

Sirius sits down at the kitchen table and admires his leather jacket on the back of the kitchen door.

Harry heads off upstairs.

"Where are you going Harry?" asked Sirius, chasing Harry.

"Just going to check the family tree. Just to be sure." said Harry.

"Fine, my paranoid godson." said Sirius, chasing Harry, Sirius liked chasing things.

Harry enters the room with the family tree and heads for his own section.

Harry and Sirius bend down and look at Harry's face on the family tree that covers the walls of the whole room. "Fuck… there's still a girl there linked to my name" said Harry. "I'm still in a marriage contract!"

"Lumos" said Sirius, squatting slowly.

"I still can hardly see.. still a witch D something"

"Lumos" repeated Sirius.

"Who the hell is Daphne Greengrass?" asked Harry. 'And why am I in a marriage contract with her.' he thought.

FIN.

**AN: There's a sequel called Harry Potter and the Unwanted Marriage contract. Less Crack, more, something.**


End file.
